A guide to dating in Colombia

Enrique Iglesias, Javier Bardem, Rafa Nadal, Gerard Pique, Gael García Bernal…

 

I’ll stop here on my list of favourite Latino men before I get carried away…

I’ve always had a thing for Latino men and pretty much always wanted a fall in love with Enrique Iglesias and failing that his look-a-like. 

I’ve never been able to put my finger exactly on what it is about Latin that make me just go weak at the knees. 

Is it their tanned olive skin, their jet black hair, their dark smouldering eyes or the simple fact that they speak Spanish, arguably the sexiest language in the world? 

Who knows! Nonetheless, on coming to Colombia to work, I began to wonder what it would be actually like to properly date a Latino. I’d never even dated a Spaniard, but I figured Colombian men would beat British and Irish boys hands down.

When we think about what it’s like to date a Latino, we all probably think of the same stereotype. They are all macho, possessive, well groomed, gentlemanly and let us not forget… passionate. 

Now, after having dipped my toe in the Colombian, gay dating pond…I can definitely say that not all of the above are true. Ah, stereotyping, when will we ever learn?

There really is an art to dating in Colombia, and if there is, I don’t think I’ve quite mastered it yet. In fact, I’d definitely say I was a bit of a novice. 

There have been a few bumps in the road along the way but I’ve learnt a lot from my ‘experience’ of dating in Colombia. Nonetheless there are a few things I wish I had known before I threw myself heart first (head to follow) into the gay dating scene in Bogotá. 

1.       Colombian boys will tell you they love you … a lot. In my situation, this might even happen during the first date! Don’t be alarmed. It’s not like in the UK where you say those three words and your partner runs a mile and instantly erases your number, Facebook and any other points of contact. I’ve began to interpret ‘Te quiero ’more as ‘I want you’ as opposed to ‘I love you’ which slightly softens the blow.  

2.       They’re rarely on time … for anything! You’re thinking, he told me ‘he loved me last night…but now he’s over an hour late for our date. What the…?’ Again, just like in general Colombian life where time is never really of the essence, it doesn’t apply to dating either. Just accept it; he’s probably going to be late for the wedding, if it ever happens.

3.       Family means a lot to them, especially their mums.
Family is very important to Colombians. And why shouldn’t it be!? Nonetheless, keep an eye out for the future mother-in-law…they love their boys and like the Italians, Colombian boys and their mums are not to be messed with. On the same topic, don’t be alarmed if you are invited over to ‘meet the parents’ after a few month, weeks or even days! It’s perfectly normal!

4.       ‘You’re so handsome. You have beautiful eyes.’ The list goes on…and on…and on… Learn to accept complements (‘piropos’), and a lot of them. If anything (even though if you couldn’t disagree more as you try to suck in and cover up that blemish) lap it all up. It can only be good for your levels of confidence!

5.       Try not to take the complements to seriously, you will find yourself falling in love a lot quicker in Colombia than in the UK. Colombia is one of the most image-conscious places I have ever been in my life. And whilst yes, this means ridiculously cheap manicures, pedicures, trips to the salon and gym membership it also has the potential to make you feel overly conscious with regards to your appearance. I was told once that Colombians like the think in the moment and if in that moment they love you…they won’t hesitate to tell you how much they are in love with you. Accept it, but don’t let it go to your head…OR you heart.

6.       Be prepared to phone a lot more than you will text! I’m a fan of texting, at least when it comes to arranging dates. In Colombia – you phone. Don’t be embarrassed to answer that unknown number the morning after the night before…you never know, he might be the one.

7.       Don’t be offended if they correct your Spanish even if they speak no English. They will happily correct your Spanish, laugh at your ‘horrible European accent’ and point out all your mistakes. Try not to take it personally and see it as free Spanish tutoring.

8.       Get used to the culture of ‘inviting’ each other. ‘Te invito a tomar un café’, ‘Te invito a almorzar’, ‘Te invito a tomar una cerveza’… The list continues. In Colombia there is a Culture of inviting one another. In heterosexual relationships, I imagine it’s still very common for the man to pay for the date…if you happen to be homosexual or somewhere in between and find yourself on a date with someone of the same sex…my advice, pretend to fumble around for your wallet and hopefully he will get his out faster than you and offer to pay. It’s worked for me…or has it?

9.       Always have a pretty flexible timetable and always have a back-up plan for your Saturday night! It’s been known for Colombian boyfriends to simply disappear off the face of the planet for hours at a time, without an excuse or even a notice to make you aware in the change in plans!

10.   Finally, be patient, be confident and most importantly make sure your best friends are around you, you have a box set of your favourite series on standby and the cupboards are fully stocked with imported chocolate and bottles of wine for when it goes tits up and you wonder where it all went wrong. After all, he told you he loved you yesterday didn’t he!? 

Now that I have learnt a little more about what it’s like to date the Colombians, I guess it’s just a matter of sitting around waiting for Enrique Iglesias to find me and realise I’m the one he’s been looking for…fat chance

Regionalism in Colombia - the culture of us vs. them.

Re·gion·al·ism

• Loyalty to the interests of a particular region.

• A feature, such as an expression, a pronunciation, or a custom, that is characteristic of a geographic area.

• The use of regional characteristics, as of locale, custom, or speech, in literature or art.

Before coming to Colombia, I was of the simple but perhaps overly immature and naïve impression that Colombians were all the same. Looking back at this now, makes me want to cringe…massively! Please, don’t judge me too much just yet. Obviously I understood and respected the fact that with such a huge country and population that there would be an unlimited number of cultural, linguistic and ethnic differences between them, nonetheless I never quite expected to encounter such a degree of regional identity as that to which exists within Colombia.

Obviously, a lot of this regionalism comes down to simple stereotyping. What one Colombian may say about another is the same as what we do back in Europe. It’s like saying all French people are arrogant, romantic, smell and love cheese and wine and that all Italians are ‘tax dodging, Berlusconi-style Latin lovers and mummy boys’! I have to say that I have both Italian and French friends either of which smell or avoid taxes (of which I know!)

Like in Northern Ireland and the UK in general, there is an extremely strong sense of regional identity in Colombia and it’s only through getting to know Colombians and travelling around this magnificent country that you start to understand it. Each region of Colombia seems to be marked by certain characteristics both culturally and linguistically and whilst on a global scale, Colombians will tell you that they are the happiest, friendliest people on earth, on a regional one; they will happily make you a list of the reasons why they dislike other Colombians from other regions, towns and cities. 

Bogotanos talking about Paisas (from Medellin, Colombia’s second largest city)

Medellin, Bogotá’s little sister and the ‘city of eternal spring’ is famous for its good weather and beautiful women (and men if you ask me!). The Paisas (the name for those Colombians from Antioquia) are renowned for their big bums and big boobs, and Medellin is claimed by some people to be plastic surgery capital of South America. Whilst Paisas are generally proud of their city (despite its dark history surrounding Pablo Escobar and the drug cartels) Bogotanos are often quick off the mark in slagging them off. I have friends here who will not hesitate to make clear their disliking towards Medellin and its inhabitants. This may have something to do with the fact that Medellin is an arguably cleaner and more cosmopolitan city that is easier to get around than its brute of a brother…Bogotá (thanks to the metro system). On the other hand, many Bogotanos will state that their accent is horrible, they are all uneducated and the women are ‘sluts’. 

Bogotanos talking about Costeños (from the Caribbean coast)

I personally love the Caribbean coast of Colombia. Well, what is there not to really like? Sandy white beaches, beautiful men and women, good nightlife, a warm climate, a stronger fusion of Hispanic and Caribbean culture and much more... The costeños (or people originating from the Caribbean coast) are stereotypically happy, fun-loving and enjoy drinking rum and partying. Nonetheless they are often described as being lazy and uneducated. Furthermore, according to many Colombians they take a relaxed view on Catholicism and Politics and speak Spanish in a terrible accent, not pronouncing the r, s or d amongst other things. The fact that Barranquilla, the industrial portal hub of the Colombian coastline hosts the world’s biggest carnival only seems to worsen their image of being lazy and unable to work, given that residents of Barranquilla are given a week off work to simply party and soak up that Carnival spirit!

Everyone talking about the Bogotanos 

In the same way that people from Bogota enjoy talking about their fellow Colombian countrymen and women, everyone else in Colombia is more than happy to say a few harsh words about the Bogotanos or Cachacos as they are often referred to in Colombia. Many Colombians will try to tell you that all Bogotanos, are cold (like the city’s climate), unfriendly, legalistic and overly status conscious. I suppose this has something to do with the fact that as the country’s capital, the people are given a bit of a rough time…in a similar way that Londoners do back home. 

Bogotanos talking about themselves! 

Firstly, Bogotanos (according to Bogotanos) speak the best Spanish in Colombia, in South America and possibly even the world! They are hardworking, politically-minded, family orientated and the primary breadwinners in Colombia. In reality, in response the stereotype that all Bogotanos or Rolos are cold and unfriendly, think of it like this…Bogotá is a city of 8 million people, people are busy, tired, stressed and spend lots of time commuting across the city to and from work … (I can definitely speak for myself on this one – you should see my face after commuting an hour on the transmileno, it is definitely not friendly or approachable!) 

Of course not every stranger you meet on the street will be the friendliest Colombian you will ever meet…they have probably just finished working a full day of 9 hours or more and want to see their friends or family. It also may have something to do with ‘desconfianza’ or the mistrusting nature of many Bogotanos, which I picked up on pretty quickly during my time in the City. It wasn’t too long ago that Bogota was an extremely unsafe, dangerous place to be. You didn’t trust strangers on the street, and so, try not to be too offended if someone ignores you or looks at you with an air of mistrust when asking for directions.

The stereotyping doesn’t end with the big cities. It seems to carry on through into other, more rural areas of the country. During your stay in Colombia, you might hear that Pastusos (people from Pasto) are unintelligent, speak in a soft, silly-sounding accent and are often the brunt of jokes. People from Cali (The Worlds Salsa Capital) are all born natural salsa dancers and that those from los llanos (the plains) are farmers or cowboys!

Unfortunately, my experience of Colombian regionalism doesn’t stop at a local level. I remember talking to a friend about a Colombian guy that we were having a conversation with and saying…’is there anyone that he does like? This followed a conversation in a bar in which our new Colombian friend for the night had decided to tell us about his hatred for not only anyone non-Bogotano but the Spanish, the Americans and the Argentinians. Thankfully for me, nothing was said about the Irish! He hated the Spanish for obvious reasons of colonialisation and their ‘horrible accent’, the Americans for their loudness and arrogance and the Argentinians for their sense of National pride. I didn’t obviously engage in a conversation about National pride with this guy! I opted to sit, smile and nod, acknowledging that the Colombians were the friendliest of the Latino world population and of them Bogotá was the best city to live and work in.

Not only are many Colombians I have met regionalist in terms of Colombia, many of them are extremely regionalist regarding Colombia’s place in the world. They claim to be the friendliest Latinos in the world, have the best Spanish and of course the best cuisine! This has come as a bit of a shock to me, since personally I feel the need to attack all Colombian dishes with garlic, ginger or chilli in an attempt to bring some flavour to their beloved national dishes. I’m not saying I dislike Colombian food, I’m merely stating that somehow I don’t think it’s up there with Indian, Chinese, Thai, Italian or French cuisine to name but a few!

Part of me simply accepts this regionalist attitude of Colombia and part of me questions the reasons for its existence. I guess both the political and geographical division of the country has something to do with it given the fact that administratively the country is divided into 32 departments and one capital district. Geographically, three mountain ranges and two major rivers further divide the country into four regions. With each region having its own government, there is always going to be some level or rivalry between departments. Many of the Colombians I hear making such remarks about people from the coast or Medellin have never in fact even been to these locations. They have never met locals, or experienced the other culture for themselves. In an attempt to defend their own culture (which being Irish, I completely understand!) they automatically seem to reject another.

Perhaps due to restrictive travel and the difficulty in obtaining visas for many Colombians (an issue which really grates on me) many Colombians simply never have the opportunity to travel and experience a culture completely different from their own.

Unfortunately, for these reasons, amongst many others there seems to be a strong sense of rivalry and even at times hatred between regions, instead of an appreciation for a linguistically and culturally diverse country. Obviously this is not true for all Colombians, but it definitely something that I have noticed during my time here living and working in Bogotá.  

They say that learning about another culture can often help you to appreciate your own and even learn more things about yourself. I have to agree with this in acknowledging that like with most things I learn about in Colombia, it is safe to say that we have a pretty similar situation back home in the UK.

I don’t think anyone can deny that in the UK we’re often quick of the mark to slate each other for whichever reasons. What’s more, we love a good stereotype don’t we? Londoners slag off Northerners, Northerners slag of Southerners, everyone from Yorkshire is a farmer, Geordies are all loud and love to party, no one understands the Liverpool accent, the Scottish are STILL fighting for independence (literally), the Irish are STILL fighting with one-another (literally) and no one really seems to give a shit about the Welsh. They’re happy singing in their valleys, looking after their sheep…

How many Paddy English man, Paddy Scottish man and Paddy Irish man jokes have you heard? Frankly I’ve heard too many. I think they’re s**t, most of the time. When we’re not cracking jokes about each other, I do have to wonder to what extend does taking pride in our own local culture and being proud of our own regional identity prevent us from seeing past our own noses and appreciating diversity and multiculturalism? 

Of course regionalism is going to be extreme in a country the size of Colombia, given its social, political and geographical divisions. Therefore, whilst every day I hear about another Colombian stereotype, I guess you have to learn to take these things with a piece of salt. My advice: get out there yourself, make your own opinions and love the world for what it is!

Machismo and Male Chauvenism in the gay community in Bogotá

The study of gender has always been something that has interested me. I have always been fascinated by the changing roles of men and women in various cultures around the world, particularly in Spanish speaking countries, where both concepts of Machismo and Marianismo dominate Latino culture.  If there is one word which is unambiguously associated with Latin America, it would be the term ‘macho’. 

Whilst at University, during my undergraduate degree, I often opted to study modules that dealt with these issues, and must have spent hours upon hours trying to get my head around the concept of Latino male identity. It wasn’t until 6 months ago, when I moved to Bogotá, Colombia that for once I finally started to question gender identity in Latin America and specifically that of Machismo and the role it has to play amongst the homosexual community.

It goes without saying that the area of Gender and Power relations in Iberian culture is far too vast to cover in a blog and surely to form a well-constructed argument we would have to study in-depth Colombian history, especially regarding the influence that colonialisation has had on gender.

 Furthermore, how easy is it really to define what machismo is? In essence, there is no solid definition that can surely fully and accurately describe it. Gender roles in Colombia seem to change between regions and more explicitly from rural to urban areas. It goes without saying that attitudes towards homosexuality in Bogotá will differ significantly to those on the Pacific or Caribbean coast. 

The concept of machismo creates social problems in Latin culture, particularly for women and for other minorities, for example homosexual men who may have an especially tough time in the Latino community given that cultural taboos are strong and gender roles particularly rigid.

To most people, I would imagine that it would appear that machismo (often described as ‘strong or aggressive masculine pride’, ‘manliness’ or ‘manhood’) and homosexuality are two completely different, polar opposite concepts. Nonetheless I think that we all have to be careful in acknowledging the power and danger in labelling different representations on gender in society.

 Is that to say, that all straight, heterosexual men play rugby, drink pints and sit with their legs so far apart that you could drive a bus through them and that all gay men are interested in fashion and listen to Madonna, Kylie and Lady Gaga on repeat? I don’t think so…

Therefore, within this blog, I simply intend to share my personal opinions and observations regarding machismo and homosexuality in Bogotá. As I say, these are merely observations, and I have only been living in Bogotá for six months now. As a result, my words are not necessarily right or correct, so please feel to disagree or challenge what I have to say.

Before arriving in Bogotá, I imagined that it would be a city, not unlike most other Latin American capitals in that it generally is pretty unaccepting of homosexuality and had a strong Catholic Church influence. Surprisingly, within my first couple of weeks living and working in Bogotá, I soon came to realise that it has a thriving gay community, situated in the neighbourhood of Chapinero, or ‘Chapi-gay’ as it is often referred to. Chapinero is the hub of Bogotá’s gay community, hosting more than 100 gay bars/clubs, with the largest undoubtedly being Theatron which opens its doors to over 6,000 people on a Friday and Saturday night. Friends and I have described Theatron as a sort of ‘gay Disneyland’. It caters to all music preferences and you can find yourself dancing salsa, raving or slut-dropping to some reggaeton. And for a measly 27,000 peso entrance fee (little under a tenner) and a free bar, you can dance away until the early hours of the morning. 

Nonetheless, despite having a ‘gay district’ and one of the largest gay clubs in all of Latin America, it doesn’t seem to ease the situation at all for many gay Colombian friends that I have, neither does it make homosexuality any more acceptable. Therefore, I believe that this is the reason for such a thriving gay scene in the city. I have never been anywhere in the world which seems to have as many gay bars, clubs, gyms, saunas and even restaurants. It has become more and more evident to me over the past few months that in a city as large as Bogotá (with a population over 8million people) it is relatively easy to live a double life, one out of the closet and one in it.  

Many gay Colombian men simply chose not to come out of the closet, for various reasons. They don’t want to be seen in certain areas of town, won’t hold hands with their partners and won’t kiss in public, all for various reasons. Andres Duque (a Colombian gay rights activist) stated that, “Our culture sometimes pushes them away from it by not acknowledging the full spectrum of male sexuality— or human sexuality for that matter—and painting anything that does not conform to the heterosexual norm as being evil, sinful and bad.” In other words, the insidiousness of machismo is manifested when individuals feel they must lie to themselves, their families and society. 

Nonetheless, if you ever find yourself in Theatron on a Friday or Saturday night in Bogotá, take yourself off to the salsa room. It is in this room, more so than the reggaeton room that machismo in the gay scene can really be observed at its best. Machismo is evident in all aspects of Latino culture, mainly the arts. For example, let’s take salsa. When dancing salsa, it is the man who is expected to lead the woman, therefore arguably giving him a sense of natural superiority. Therefore, it raises a question as to what happens when two men or two women dance salsa together. Of course, in a ‘normal’ salsa club this would simply never happen. For two men or two women to dance together would simply be absurd, breaking with tradition and gender roles which have existed since before the conquista. 

I remember the first time I saw two men dance together, I thought ‘good for you! You’re breaking the trend!’ thinking that it was a form of refusal to conform to the norms of society given that many homosexual men chose to live all their lives in the closet. However, as I saw this more and more, I soon began to change and develop my opinions. Really, it seemed that it wasn’t that different to watching a man and woman dance salsa together. There wasn’t a clash of gender power on the dance floor. Instead, both men appeared to ‘fulfil their role’ in either taking the male or female part, according to their ‘level’ of masculinity or femininity. I soon quickly began to realise that machismo wasn’t something that was only reserved to heterosexual couples, but that it is something that affects all members of society, straight, gay, bi and everything in-between.

This led me on to think more about stereotypical, pre-dictated gender roles and the need to ‘fit in’ somewhere on the spectrum. That is to say, to be able to be categorised and be labelled as either heterosexual or homosexual and on a deeper level ‘the masculine one’ or ‘the feminine one’. 

“Soy tan macho que me cojo otro hombre”—I'm so macho that I fuck another man—is a Colombian saying. Within the gay community in Bogotá, it would appear that the stereotype of homosexual men as effeminate and passive is so powerful that a man who takes the “active” or “masculine” role, even with another man, is not necessarily seen as homosexual. Therefore, even within gay relationships there is a hierarchy, and to some extent a sense of what is good or bad, right or wrong and fitting with the characteristics of machismo and ‘being a real man’. 

Even the Spanish language itself seems to be plagued with machista undercurrents. In Latino culture, passive partners are often derisively called puto, joto and maricón (all roughly translate to “fag”) while active partners are called mayate, chichifo, chingón (“penetrator,” “male prostitute,” “fucker”), labels that are still derogatory but less stigmatized. Passives are seen as having “abdicated their masculinity,” while actives often still consider themselves to be straight. In the same way, in the Spanish language when a man is referred to as ‘zorro’ (fox-literally) he is seen as a “lad” whereas if we label a woman as ‘una zorra’ she is a slut or a whore. Again, following the rules of machismo, it is always the man that comes out on top whilst women and other minorities including homosexuals are prejudiced against. 

Of course, homosexuality as I have grown up is not something that is always easy to understand. It is neither black nor white. Everyone is different and unique and in the same way that we all have different likes and dislikes about food, fashion and music, we have preferences about who we develop feelings for or fall in love with. Unfortunately, I have found that in Bogotá, the need to fit the mould to such a high degree has to some extent created homophobia within the gay community.

This is something that is not only localised to the gay community in Bogotá, but something that I have experienced on a wider scale, and even back home. I have many gay friends that would claim to dislike lesbians, complain that they have ridiculous hair styles or wear too many checked shirts or look like boys. In the same way, I have heard lesbians show the same degree of homophobia towards gay men claiming that they are all catty, bitchy and drama queens. I too have most likely been guilty of making such ridiculous, unnecessary statements. As I have got older, I have realised that this is exactly the kind of homophobia that we should be completely disregarding. The simple fact that it exists within the gay community should come as a shock, however sadly it doesn’t.  

In conclusion, I believe that whilst Bogotá at first glance may seem to be a lot more progressive than other Latin American capital cities, it still suffers from the same hierarchical, machista society which has existed since the time of the Spanish invasion. It should also be noted that machismo is not solely isolated to Latino culture or to Colombia for that matter. Furthermore, it isn’t only gay men that suffer in machista societies, any minority whether that is gay, bi-sexual or transgender members of the community. In November 2001 Colombia's Ministry of Culture published its vision of the future for the next decade: the National Plan for Culture in which two of the main principles are striking: the recognition of a multi-cultural society, and the importance of ‘remembering’. In some respects I would say that Colombia is a very multi-cultural society already, and in some ways I have found it to be a lot more open-minded than where I am from in Northern Ireland. Nonetheless, machismo doesn’t seem to be going away anywhere fast. 

In an interview with Doctor Homero del pino (in which I have copied the link in at the bottom), he states that machismo is simply sexism, and that somehow when we say ‘machismo’ it implies that Latino sexism is in some way egregious. Sexism and misogyny is an issue in most countries and cultures, even the most ‘developed’. Therefore, what we are trying to make sense of is not only an issue localised to Bogotá or Colombia, but the world. Machismo, is it a word that is simply over-used and appears too much in Spanish or Latin American literature or cinema, or is it a significant problem in our societies? 

Given that gender is not a black and white issue, I doubt that the answer is going to be as easy to put our finger on. Nevertheless, machismo is one area of Latin American Studies that cannot simply be ignored. I have never been a massive fan of Germaine Greer, and I can’t believe I’m actually about to quote her, but I have to agree with one thing that she has said, and I will decide to stop writing here before I start running in circles around my head trying to make sense of it all: “The tragedy of machismo is that a man is never quite man enough.” 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1j3UO9Acg5M

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3Br68aY4nI