How (not) to date in Colombia (Part 2)

I remember as a very small child once turning to my mother and asking ‘mummy, what does sex mean?’ to which any good mother like my own would respond with ‘well Ryan, what do you think sex is?’ My answer was short and sweet – ‘bare bums and bare boobies!’ Yes, it would appear that I was a comical genius as a child…

As children, we have so many questions about the world and the things around us. We are constantly confused by our surroundings and ask never-ending questions about practically everything and anything. As children and even adolescents we have so many questions about love, sex and relationships in particular.

And it’s no different being in Colombia. Over the past 7 months I have been transported back to my childish ways of thinking. I thought I knew myself, what I liked and what I wanted out of relationships. However, being the foreigner in Colombia comes with a whole new set of rules when it comes to dating. 

Over the past few months, I have slowly started to get my head around the dos and don’ts of dating in Colombia and it’s not been an easy ride. There have been ups and downs, and there have been times when I simply want to scream at the top of my lungs in anger and frustration. 

Despite my frustration and never-ending state of confusion when it comes to dating Colombian men, there have been a few things that I have learnt:

Learn to play the game

Dating in Colombia is a completely different game to that in the UK and like any game with a set of rules, dating in Colombia comes with its own set of highly complicated ones!  Whilst there are rules on how to date and how not to date, many of these are often broken and twisted. When a guy says he will call you, be prepared to play the waiting game. If he says he will phone you in an hour, it will most likely be last thing at night…if even at all. When a guy says that he will meet you at 7pm, be prepared for him to arrive late.

He will probably inform you that he has ‘things to do’, ‘got held up at work’, or ‘that traffic is bad’ – however there is a strong chance that he is simply ‘playing the game’. Unfortunately for them … I don’t play this game. There is nothing more frustrating than arranging to meet someone after days and weeks of constant flirtation to find to be cancelled on last minute. Therefore, I chose to sit at the side-lines and wait…

Therefore, don’t be afraid to have ‘more than one boy on the go’ – I know this sounds terrible! However, I’m strictly talking about dating here, not sex. Keep your options open. Make as many contacts as you can. Even if there is no spark on your date, having gay friends who know the city and the scene is invaluable in a city like Bogotá. 

A Colombian friend of mine told me that too often relationships almost happen in reverse order her. You meet a guy, you go back to his, then you spend time together, he might inform you that he loves you (though we all know what that means – see other blog on dating in Colombia!) and you slowly, gradually get to know one another. Try to understand that things are different here…

Learn the lingo

Like with anywhere in the world, there is a way to flirt, and a way not to. There are things to say, and things which you shouldn’t. Knowing Spanish will obviously help you if you’re a foreigner living in Colombia, looking for love. Nonetheless there is a way of speaking and flirting which is an art in itself which must be mastered. 

There is definitely an art to talking to guys here…especially via Facebook chat, MSN, Skype etc. It’s about seeming interested but not too keen, asking enough questions but not coming across like a stalker and giving enough pauses to allow for him to find out more about you.

Unfortunately University courses in Spanish don’t have language modules on ‘How to flirt with Colombians’ therefore the best thing is to try your best, make some mistakes and try and bat your eyelashes when you get pulled up on your mistakes!

Find out what you want – una recocha vs una relación 

Knowing what you want is everything. Saying that, it’s much easier said than done. One day, I want a relationship, the next I don’t, the next I want to date, and the following I want nothing to do with men. Dating in Colombia, especially in the Bogota gay scene is an emotional roller-coaster.

Walking into a club, surrounded by beautiful Latino men can feel a bit like being a piece of meat about to be thrown to the lions. Nonetheless, being prepared for how you are going to play the field is of upmost importance. 

Try not to let yourself run away with your emotions and think about what you want and what you are willing to do to get it. 

The most important rule: el importaculismo

No me importa un culo – or ‘I don’t really care’ 

It is fundamental to remain completely indifferent to everything that is going on around you, even if you’re falling pretty hard. If you get dumped, it you get cancelled on, if he tries to screw you over taking a much more ‘I don’t really give a shit’ approach works wonders. If I had a thousand pesos for every time I have observed this attitude I would be a wealthy man in Colombia right now…

Last week, my date cancelled last minute.

 I’m not going to lie. He was a complete catch and I had those butterflies the whole way walking to the café where we had arranged to meet (on time – despite my housemates telling me it was better to turn up late). Upon arriving, making sure I looked my best and calmed myself down I got a phone call from my date to say that he was no longer able to come due to ‘other commitments’. 

I finished my cup of coffee and dragged my sorry ass back to my apartment to have to shamefully recount the story, in Spanish to my housemates who had that ‘I hate to say I told you so’ look about them. 

Of course, a matter of minutes later my ‘date’ popped up on Facebook chat, gracing my ears with the usual ‘Que pena…’ (I’m sorry, what a shame) jargon that us foreigners are all far too accustomed to hearing in Colombia. 

My housemates gave me another lesson on ‘love and Colombians’ and informed me of the importance of el importaculismo and remaining indifferent. So whilst I sat, feeling slightly sorry for myself and silly for getting my hopes up (something I refuse to do nowadays in Colombia with respect to relationships), I responded in saying that it was fine, and that I had other plans with friends anyway. A complete lie of course, but one that made me feel slightly, just ever so slightly better. 

Learn how not to become attached

We have all heard the warnings of what Latino men can be like. Upon coming to Colombia, I had been warned by so many friends not to get myself into serious relationships and to be aware of what men can be like on this continent.

 One minute, they love you and make no bones about telling you that, the next they have met someone else, you are no longer the novelty boy toy and they move on to better things.

I have had so many friends here who have got into relationships, only to be hurt. And it’s understandable why. As a result, you end up approaching every man you meet with a sense of caution. 

It’s not that I won’t give the time of day to a guy, but I refuse to let myself fall for the usual, cheesy, repetitive chat up lines and piropos.

A final note

Like I have mentioned in other blogs, Colombian men too often come across as being ridiculously vain and often extremely self-obsessed. You only have to stalk somebody’s Facebook profile and flick through picture after picture of self-timer photographs of themselves flexing with no top on and pouting like something of Colombia’s Next Top Model.  

Nonetheless, having said all of this (and hopefully not lost too many of my Colombian male friends) it must be understood that this is simply how it is done in Colombia. I’m not saying I don’t want to ‘play the game’ – simply that I wish I could change a few of the rules.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder...

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder…or so they say. Within this blog, I want to explore something which has been niggling away at me since I moved to Colombia last July: the concept of beauty. There is no denying that Colombia has some of the most beautiful, drop-dead gorgeous women, and men that I have ever seen. I can rarely walk down the street without having to turn my head two, three, four times to catch a glimpse of what has just walked street by me. People in Colombia are beautiful…simples. 

To the Colombians, looking good is everything. They spend time, and money investing in their looks. From manicures, to pedicures, to waxes and even cosmetic surgery, to the Colombians there is nothing more vital than looking your best! And with good Latin genes, perfect hair and a tan to match…why the hell not!

The great thing is, unlike in the UK where all these things come with a pretty hefty price tag…in Colombia, it costs little to nothing to look that good! You can easily bag a haircut, manicure and pedicure for under a tenner. My gym membership including all my classes is less than £15 a month and that’s in a capital city! 

I have nothing wrong with people taking pride in their appearance, I’m a fan of ‘if you’ve got it, flaunt it’ but since spending quite a considerable amount of time now in Colombia I have to question where one draws the line. 

Colombia is one of the main countries in the world with the cheapest cosmetic and plastic surgery! They are debatably the top provider of plastic surgery in the world and many Americans and Canadians holiday here and return with more than just a tan! Nose jobs, bum jobs, boob jobs, tummy tucks, you name it – Colombia can do it…and at a good price too! 

As a result, I have to some extent found Colombia to be a very vain nation. I have found that in certain areas of town, primarily the wealthier areas, for example ‘la zona rosa’, people seem to spend more time checking out what you are wearing, what branding you have on and how you have styled your hair than actually having a good time clubbing. Perhaps I am wrong, but this is definitely the vibe I have received in many establishments.

Furthermore, there exists a certain pressure to live up to a specific image. As a man, I feel the need to have a good body, go to the gym, wear the ‘right clothes’, the ‘right aftershave’ and perhaps most importantly be able to dance! I am more than sure for females, the pressure is even stronger.

 I can’t help but feel that in the wake of globalisation, growing tourism and an expanding fashion scene in Colombia, the country places a huge importance on image and furthermore branding. More and more people on the streets are wearing Hollister clothing, Abercrombie and Fitch hoodies, Diesel jeans and Superdry tea shirts, albeit fake a lot of the time. Not only is the influence of North America more and more present but so are the strata division and ever growing rich-poor divide. 

I imagine being a straight male in Colombia must be great! The women here are stunning. I have to admit, I have questioned my sexuality more than once in Colombia…but usually as soon as I start thinking about women, some stud of a Latino hunk walks by and catches my eye, causing my mind to become occupied with ‘other’ thoughts and images. I can’t help but think that the pressure for women to live up to some kind of pre-set image must be huge. Whilst not every woman looks like Shakira or Sofia Vergara, they do tend to be much curvier than British girls. 

Taking care of oneself is important: and that means manicures, pedicures and lots of trips to the salon. Also, in Colombia I have seen some of the biggest bums and boobs in my life. For some Colombians, it seems that going to the local plastic surgeon for a boob job or bum job is like nipping into your local Tesco for a pint of milk. 

Men don’t get let off the hook to easy either… in Colombia men get manicures! I know! Personal presentation and up-keeping has never been more important.  O and by the way…I’m NOT just talking about the gay scene. Straight men get manicures…believe me.

I understand that in order to look their best, men here seem to spend lots of time going to the gym and the salon. However one thing I am NOT down with is shaving. I am NOT talking about beards or tashes here. I am talking about armpits. Colombian men often shave their underarm hair and some may even shave their legs, bleach their arm-hairs and wax their eyebrows.

 Back home in the UK, especially in Northern Ireland, if a guy was to do this exact same thing, he would most likely be accused of being ‘gay’, or a ‘poof’ or as I have often been called as a child ‘a big women’s blouse’. I know – isn’t Northern Ireland a lovely place to grow up being homosexual – Interestingly, what qualifies being masculine in Colombia is not that similar to what I am used to back home in the UK. Somehow, I don’t think I’ll be shaving my under-arms too soon…

What is the result of these pressures? Well, I believe the result to be a highly image conscious or even ‘image obsessed’ society in which the line between being highly conscious about one’s appearance and vain or arrogant very blurred. 

Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s important to work with what you’ve got and be happy with how you look. That might mean, going to the gym once in a while, not having that empanada or that Mr brownie you don’t really need. Nonetheless, there’s beating yourself up about not feeling like you’re good enough or pretty enough and even being driven to the point of getting plastic surgery.

In Bogotá, before going on a night out, I can spend hours looking at myself in the mirror, wondering what I can do to improve the image looking back at me. I often look at the reflection, wishing I was a little more tanned, that I hadn’t that small scar above my left eye brow and that I didn’t have so many wrinkles on my forehead when I smiled. I find myself de-tagging photo after photo on Facebook because I simply don’t like the way I look and often even fear that others might judge me for my appearance. 

I get upset when I don’t receive any attention on a night out even though I’ve bought a new shirt, done my hair and tried to look my best. It sometimes hurts me when the guy I been talking to for an hour in the club ditches you in a second to talk to some Enrique Iglesias lookalike. One night, in Bogotá, someone even told me that they weren’t attracted to me because I was too short.

Nonetheless, no matter how tough your skin is, you are always going to be affected by this type of behaviour. At least I am.

So…where do we draw the line between working with what we’ve got and vanity and arrogance? What are the dangers for the foreigner in Colombia? I somehow don’t think it’s being kidnapped by FARC or being murdered by a drug lord in Bogotá…its losing sight of reality. Where does one decide that enough is enough? Teeth whitening, Botox, anti-wrinkle treatment? I mean, they’re ok surely? But what about liposuction or a tummy tuck? They are considerably cheaper in Colombia than in Europe after all.

So, is beauty really in the eye of the beholder? Think again…especially if you are living in Bogotá, Colombia. As Dorothy Parker once said after all “Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”

10 oddities about living in Bogotá, Colombia

So, I was sitting the other night with some friends discussing what we all found strange about living as an expat in Colombia…all those bizarre things which to a Colombian seem perfectly normal, yet to a non-Colombian seem quite frankly…odd! The following is a short list of ten things that I find strange about life in the big, bad city of Bogotá, Colombia!

1.            Strange voices 

There is nothing stranger… or for that matter more frustrating than waking up on a Saturday morning to the sound of some of the strangest, most confusing and inaudible voices you have ever come across in your life! Whilst on one hand you desire to know exactly what these strange ‘chants’ are, on the other hand, the last thing you want to do is get out of your bed on a cold, rainy Bogota morning to try and get a sneaky-peak of what animal or creature is making those noises!

Therefore, you lie still, close your eyes, and listen…straining your ears to try and understand what is being shouted through your barrio. In my barrio it's usually who I have come to nick-name 'avocado man' or 'flores man' who stroll the streets of the neighborhood hoping to sell their avocados and flowers, obviously things you need to buy first thing in the morning...right? Proudly, they stroll through the barrio chanting their little chants, making sure everyone is awake and given the chance to buy avocados and flowers - that is if you can understand them first!

If it's not avocado man or flower man making some of the strangest 'sounds' you have ever heard it might be the gypsies, going round the neighborhood on their horses and carts, looking for scrap! Either way, a day doesn't go by in this city in which you question your own sanity at some of the sounds you are hearing!
 

2.            Chocolate and cheese 

Only the Colombians would think it would be a good idea to put cheese in hot chocolate. Don’t get me wrong…I love cheese, and I love chocolate…though they aren’t two things I might necessarily eat together. Nonetheless, this typical Breakfast dish is slowly growing on me though I’m not sure it’s something that I’ll take back to Northern Ireland!

3.            Fruit salad and cheese

Another one of Colombia’s genius dishes! Colombia has some of the most exotic, fascinating and delicious fruits in the world I have ever tried. Therefore there should be nothing more pleasurable than the process of ordering a fruit salad. Mango, pineapple, apple, banana, passion fruit, papaya, pitahaya, carambolo, guanabana … and so the list continues. You watch in awe and excitement for what you are about to tuck into until the lady stops…and starts to smother your ‘healthy option lunch’ with not only condensed milk (dulce de leche) but cheese…yes, cheese. Now, stop and try take that in.

4.            Liquids sold in plastic bags – drinks from the streets

Quite frankly, I used to find it hilarious that all things liquid are sold in bags in supermarkets…water, yoghurt, milk … you name it, it comes in a bag, not a bottle or a carton. Not only is this genius idea better for the environment, but much more economical. Just make sure you have a range of plastic jugs in the house for your return from the weekly shop!

5.            Minutos and being called from unknown numbers

For a good few weeks, I was convinced that I had a stalker in Colombia. Every day, my phone would vibrate, I would look down and there would be another unknown number. I mean, what was happening to me? I know that too often in my drunken state on a Saturday night in Theatron I was sometimes a little too easily persuaded to give my number to a semi-looking hot Latino guy, but this was too common to be true. Instead, I soon realised that given the expensive nature of calling mobiles, especially other networks and the culture of Colombians in that they seem to hate texting (possibly due to the high price and the fact that they can be easily ignored or forgotten) phoning from a random vendors phone on the street who usually has a range of, if not all the networks works out much cheaper and more efficient. So, lesson learnt…pick up that phone call!

6.            A mild obsession with carbohydrates

Being born and raised in Northern Ireland I love my carbs! I love food in general, and I never quite understood when you went to restaurants outside of Northern Ireland why you were asked if you wanted vegetables or potatoes with your main dish. Obviously you want both! Nonetheless, despite being accustomed to eating quite a lot of food (and perhaps blaming quite a lot of that on my culture) I just can’t get over the amount of Carbohydrates that the Colombians can consume on one plate. It is not unusual at lunch to have a huge meal including meat accompanied with rice, potatoes, pasta, yucca (a type of root vegetable) and beans. 

7.            Horn honking even when there isn’t oncoming traffic

Colombian taxi drivers just love a good honk as they come up to any junction. It is impossible to walk more than half a block without hearing someone beep the horn! It’s ridiculous…though probably for the best, given some of the driving I have seen in Colombia.

8.            Guards with guns and street police who look about 14 years old

I don’t know which one is actually worse…the fact that guards protecting banks and shopping centres carry loaded guns or the fact that the police ‘men’ on duty on the transmilenio (Bogotá’s equivalent of the tube) look about 14 years old and can usually be seen play fighting with their batons or standing around aimlessly texting. Either way, I’m never quite sure whether to feel safe or threatened.

 

9.            Tying knots on all your plastic bags

Simples. Colombians love to tie knots…on everything you buy! Even if you buy an apple from Carulla (a bit like our version of Marks and Spencers – to which nothing is comparable if you ask me) the shop assistant will most likely put it in a plastic bag and tie what usually is a ridiculously tight army knot in it. Also remember to show your receipt on the way out to that 14 year old – you don’t want him beating you with his toy baton!

10.          Forget ‘fairy liquid’ – Hola Axion!

Washing dishes is a nightmare in Bogotá…no hot water, no fairy liquid. That washing up ‘liquid’ isn’t actually liquid but a solid-type soap which you battle with to try and wash all your dishes.

Anyway, these are only about ten of some of the strangest things that I have found about living in Colombia. There are many more, and I am sure that I will continue to be equally as amazed/dumbfounded as time goes on!  

 Nonetheless, it is these things that make Colombia the fascinating country that it really is. Despite being completely confused most of my time here, I can’t help but feel slightly at home here in this crazy country and in love with its people and its culture! Viva Colombia!