How (not) to date in Colombia (Part 2)

I remember as a very small child once turning to my mother and asking ‘mummy, what does sex mean?’ to which any good mother like my own would respond with ‘well Ryan, what do you think sex is?’ My answer was short and sweet – ‘bare bums and bare boobies!’ Yes, it would appear that I was a comical genius as a child…

As children, we have so many questions about the world and the things around us. We are constantly confused by our surroundings and ask never-ending questions about practically everything and anything. As children and even adolescents we have so many questions about love, sex and relationships in particular.

And it’s no different being in Colombia. Over the past 7 months I have been transported back to my childish ways of thinking. I thought I knew myself, what I liked and what I wanted out of relationships. However, being the foreigner in Colombia comes with a whole new set of rules when it comes to dating. 

Over the past few months, I have slowly started to get my head around the dos and don’ts of dating in Colombia and it’s not been an easy ride. There have been ups and downs, and there have been times when I simply want to scream at the top of my lungs in anger and frustration. 

Despite my frustration and never-ending state of confusion when it comes to dating Colombian men, there have been a few things that I have learnt:

Learn to play the game

Dating in Colombia is a completely different game to that in the UK and like any game with a set of rules, dating in Colombia comes with its own set of highly complicated ones!  Whilst there are rules on how to date and how not to date, many of these are often broken and twisted. When a guy says he will call you, be prepared to play the waiting game. If he says he will phone you in an hour, it will most likely be last thing at night…if even at all. When a guy says that he will meet you at 7pm, be prepared for him to arrive late.

He will probably inform you that he has ‘things to do’, ‘got held up at work’, or ‘that traffic is bad’ – however there is a strong chance that he is simply ‘playing the game’. Unfortunately for them … I don’t play this game. There is nothing more frustrating than arranging to meet someone after days and weeks of constant flirtation to find to be cancelled on last minute. Therefore, I chose to sit at the side-lines and wait…

Therefore, don’t be afraid to have ‘more than one boy on the go’ – I know this sounds terrible! However, I’m strictly talking about dating here, not sex. Keep your options open. Make as many contacts as you can. Even if there is no spark on your date, having gay friends who know the city and the scene is invaluable in a city like Bogotá. 

A Colombian friend of mine told me that too often relationships almost happen in reverse order her. You meet a guy, you go back to his, then you spend time together, he might inform you that he loves you (though we all know what that means – see other blog on dating in Colombia!) and you slowly, gradually get to know one another. Try to understand that things are different here…

Learn the lingo

Like with anywhere in the world, there is a way to flirt, and a way not to. There are things to say, and things which you shouldn’t. Knowing Spanish will obviously help you if you’re a foreigner living in Colombia, looking for love. Nonetheless there is a way of speaking and flirting which is an art in itself which must be mastered. 

There is definitely an art to talking to guys here…especially via Facebook chat, MSN, Skype etc. It’s about seeming interested but not too keen, asking enough questions but not coming across like a stalker and giving enough pauses to allow for him to find out more about you.

Unfortunately University courses in Spanish don’t have language modules on ‘How to flirt with Colombians’ therefore the best thing is to try your best, make some mistakes and try and bat your eyelashes when you get pulled up on your mistakes!

Find out what you want – una recocha vs una relación 

Knowing what you want is everything. Saying that, it’s much easier said than done. One day, I want a relationship, the next I don’t, the next I want to date, and the following I want nothing to do with men. Dating in Colombia, especially in the Bogota gay scene is an emotional roller-coaster.

Walking into a club, surrounded by beautiful Latino men can feel a bit like being a piece of meat about to be thrown to the lions. Nonetheless, being prepared for how you are going to play the field is of upmost importance. 

Try not to let yourself run away with your emotions and think about what you want and what you are willing to do to get it. 

The most important rule: el importaculismo

No me importa un culo – or ‘I don’t really care’ 

It is fundamental to remain completely indifferent to everything that is going on around you, even if you’re falling pretty hard. If you get dumped, it you get cancelled on, if he tries to screw you over taking a much more ‘I don’t really give a shit’ approach works wonders. If I had a thousand pesos for every time I have observed this attitude I would be a wealthy man in Colombia right now…

Last week, my date cancelled last minute.

 I’m not going to lie. He was a complete catch and I had those butterflies the whole way walking to the café where we had arranged to meet (on time – despite my housemates telling me it was better to turn up late). Upon arriving, making sure I looked my best and calmed myself down I got a phone call from my date to say that he was no longer able to come due to ‘other commitments’. 

I finished my cup of coffee and dragged my sorry ass back to my apartment to have to shamefully recount the story, in Spanish to my housemates who had that ‘I hate to say I told you so’ look about them. 

Of course, a matter of minutes later my ‘date’ popped up on Facebook chat, gracing my ears with the usual ‘Que pena…’ (I’m sorry, what a shame) jargon that us foreigners are all far too accustomed to hearing in Colombia. 

My housemates gave me another lesson on ‘love and Colombians’ and informed me of the importance of el importaculismo and remaining indifferent. So whilst I sat, feeling slightly sorry for myself and silly for getting my hopes up (something I refuse to do nowadays in Colombia with respect to relationships), I responded in saying that it was fine, and that I had other plans with friends anyway. A complete lie of course, but one that made me feel slightly, just ever so slightly better. 

Learn how not to become attached

We have all heard the warnings of what Latino men can be like. Upon coming to Colombia, I had been warned by so many friends not to get myself into serious relationships and to be aware of what men can be like on this continent.

 One minute, they love you and make no bones about telling you that, the next they have met someone else, you are no longer the novelty boy toy and they move on to better things.

I have had so many friends here who have got into relationships, only to be hurt. And it’s understandable why. As a result, you end up approaching every man you meet with a sense of caution. 

It’s not that I won’t give the time of day to a guy, but I refuse to let myself fall for the usual, cheesy, repetitive chat up lines and piropos.

A final note

Like I have mentioned in other blogs, Colombian men too often come across as being ridiculously vain and often extremely self-obsessed. You only have to stalk somebody’s Facebook profile and flick through picture after picture of self-timer photographs of themselves flexing with no top on and pouting like something of Colombia’s Next Top Model.  

Nonetheless, having said all of this (and hopefully not lost too many of my Colombian male friends) it must be understood that this is simply how it is done in Colombia. I’m not saying I don’t want to ‘play the game’ – simply that I wish I could change a few of the rules.