Ten things I hate about you

 This blog entry is a bit different! This time, I haven’t decided to write about anything in particular that I have encountered in Bogotá or my travels around Colombia. Instead, I thought it would be ‘interesting’ or perhaps more-so amusing to list twenty things that I LIKE about living in Bogotá and then following that a list of twenty things that I either dislike, or aspects of the culture that I struggle with or am simply amused/fascinated by! And also, Bogotá being what it is, ten is too small a number so I opted for 20!

I imagine for those of you also working and living out here, you will agree with some of the things I have picked up on. For those of you who are in the UK or Europe, you will probably think I’m being a whiny little bitch and for you Colombians out there, apologies for any offense caused! You all know I love you! As I say these are mainly personal observations that I have made over the past 6 months!

I reckon I should start of on a positive note and get going with the things I like about life in Colombia. You will find, that most of the following will revolve around, food, drink and socialising!

1.    The language: Colombian Spanish is relatively easy to understand… OK I take that back, Bogotano Spanish is relatively easy to understand. Go to the Caribbean coast and it’s a different story. The Colombians have a massive range of vocabulary and slang and it’s taken me an age to get to grips with the most basic of these words. Nonetheless, wouldn’t Spanish be terribly boring if it was spoken the same in every country or every region at that? At least, I think so…

2.    ‘Barra Libre’ – or ‘free bar’: This seems to be a common thing, mostly in gay clubs where you pay an entrance fee (the most expensive being around 27,000pesos – little under a tenner) and you can drink literally as much as you like. No need for pre-drinks!

3.    Beer: Beer is often just as cheap if not cheaper than soft drinks. In the bar round the corner from my house, a bottle of beer is 1,500pesos…that’s 50p!

4.    Menu corriente/corrientazo: set meals in restaurants at lunch time where you can get a perfectly lovely three course meal for 5000pesos plus. Meaning, you can have a three course meal (usually a soup, followed by a main meat/fish dish, a desert and your drink) all for about 2 quid! Only thing is, there is often no menu and you have to listen to someone tell you what is on offer in the fastest possible spoken Spanish ever and eating that amount of carbs on a plate is never conducive to any diet!

5.    Empanadas: Need I say any more: they’re possibly the most fattening things you can eat in South America but also one of the most delicious.

6.    Given that Bogotá is one of the more ‘cosmopolitan’ cities in Colombia, perhaps only second to Medellin, you can find pretty much any type of food you want here (within reason, you’re still in South America, AND beware; it comes with a hefty price tag.) You don’t have to travel too far to get your hands on some good sushi, nor is it that difficult to find a quaint little French café where you can sip on a good Americano and eat tarte au citron. It’s all about knowing where to look!

7.    Transport: It’s cheap cheap cheap! Yes it all adds up if you use it a lot. Nonetheless a journey on one of the city’s busetas or transmilenio system will only set you back 50p.

8.    Busetas in general: The little buses that you often have to ram yourself on to, stand pressed between two Colombians and work your way to the back of the bus before you get off. There are no such things as bus stops, you simply hail the bus on the street, get off where you want and enjoy the entertainment that often occurs aboard: street vendors, performers and the odd singer-songwriter who will happily serenade you whilst you make your way to your destination in hope of a few pennies!

9.    Karaoke: I thought I had left Asia. But no, the Colombians are just as fond of a good sing-a-long as the Chinese. What’s more, after singing you are often rewarded with a free shot for your bravery! You sing in front of the entire bar and in Spanish of course…but when have I let that hold me back?

10.    Dogs: Colombians seem to love their dogs. I have never seen as many pedigree dogs…or dog walkers in any city I have been in as I have in Bogotá. The people take real pride in their dogs and love nothing more than a good walk in the park with their pet!

11.    The Ciclovía: On Sunday mornings, when various streets in Bogotá are shut to allow for cyclists to take to the roads. It’s not just cyclists, but people on roller blades, joggers and parents taking their kids out to learn how to ride their bikes! It really is a family affair and it’s lovely to see how Colombians spend a ‘lazy Sunday morning.’

12.    Steak: it’s cheaper than chicken. Don’t really know how that works out, but I’m not complaining…

13.    Fruit: You name that exotic fruit, Colombia’s got it and more!

14.    Fruit salads in Colombia: They are amazing! Name that fruit, it’s probably in there. And unlike home, where we try to keep a salad healthy…Colombians like to put dulce de leche, ice cream and even cheese all over your fruit salad! Delicious!

15.    Fruit JUICE! Now I’m not generally a massive lover of fruit and I would never be the type to gate a craving for a fruit juice back home. Nonetheless my obsession with freshly squeezed juices and smoothies in Colombia has driven me to the point of obsession and buying my own blender!

16.    The friendliness of the Colombians: Yes, Colombia is just like any other county and of course not every Colombian will be the friendliest person you meet. Upon moving to Bogotá, you WILL meet dick-head landlords who will try to milk you for all you’ve got and you will probably be attempted mugged at some stage during your stay. Nonetheless, I have found Colombians to be extremely friendly and willing to help. If anything I have found Colombian friends at times to be too caring and nurturing fearing for my own life when I do things independently on the ‘mean streets of Bogotá’.

17.    The generosity of the Colombians: I have noticed Colombians to be some of the most generous people I have met.  Whilst at home, if a beggar where to approach a group of people on a bus or on the street asking for money I imagine the majority of people would ignore him/her or walk away awkwardly. However here, I have noticed that most Bogotanos will give some amount of small change. The question is still to be debated whether this is a display of kindness and generosity or some form of appeasement in an attempt to avoid being mugged or attacked. This is what I have been told by various Colombian friends. Either way, it’s always good to carry change!

18.    Water comes in bags! Yes of course you can buy a bottle of water, but it’s so much cheaper and more entertaining to watch someone drink if you buy it in a bag!

19.    Going to the hair-dressers! It’s cheap cheap cheap! A cut and colour here only puts me back about 4 or 5 quid! A simple cut will cost no more than 2pounds. Therefore there’s no need to have bad hair on a night out. Getting a quick trim before your barra libre in Theatron will work wonders for you!

20.    Personal appearance- Colombians are I’d say more concerned with image than people back home. This may be a bit of a contro statement, and whilst yes I agree with many people in saying that perhaps they are too concerned with image to the point that getting boob jobs and bum jobs require just as much deliberation and thinking as going to the corner shop for some milk and eggs! Nonetheless, hair styling, teeth whitening, pedicures, manicures, gym membership…it all costs a fraction of what it does back home!

Ok…so now time to move on to the things that I struggle to accept about life in Bogotá. These aren’t necessarily things I dislike about the city, merely things I struggle to understand at times.

1.    The Rainy Season: Now, I thought I had experienced rain in Ireland. I’m not afraid to admit, Colombia definitely gives Ireland a run for its money in terms of rainfall. Never has been truer the expression, when it rains, it pours. I have literally never seen rain like it, outside a few rare experiences in Asia and Africa, but still it’s not helped by the terrible road conditions and drainage in Bogotá! An umbrella should/must be one of the first things you purchase in Bogotá. Don’t worry though if you are caught unaware without one…there will be about three sellers pop up from no-where selling them, though about twice the price. Rule: Always carry an umbrella in this city!

2.    Ridiculously slow walking: Say no more….for a capital city, people walk ridiculously slowly. At least I think they do! People WILL walk directly in front of you, as will do couples…holding hands just to make it even more of a mission to overtake! Having relatively ‘short’ legs, I myself have never been a fast walker, or so I thought…but Bogotá takes the piss. Frankly.

3.    Umbrella ‘etiquette’ during the rainy season: Obviously, an umbrella is an essential in a city like Bogotá. Despite most of my friends thinking I spend my days sunning myself in a Latin American city and drinking mojitos…in reality, I spend my time walking to work in the pouring rain, trying not to turn up to class looking like a drowned rat. Therefore you would think that people would walk at a normal pace if not faster during the rainy season. No, you thought wrong. People walk just as slowly as normal, only now they have a huge umbrella in your face that further prevents you from over-taking!

4.    Terrible road and paving conditions: I have tripped an uncountable number of times in this city, due to the terrible road and pavement conditions. Basically, they’re just crap…at least in the south they are!

5.    Ridiculously high pavements: Again, I know I have short legs, but is it just me or are pavements particularly high in Bogotá?

6.    The poverty: Like any South American city, Bogotá has its fair share of beggars. Even in the centre, there is a lot of poverty, and this is nothing on the scale of if you were to travel out to the south.

7.    Being called a gringo: One of my biggest hates in Bogotá. I am not a gringo! People here struggle to define what in fact a gringo is. Many people will soon realise that you are not American and take back there comment however for many people, if you are not Latino, therefore you are gringo, no more discussion!

8.    Machismo: Well, this could be an entirely separate blog. In fact you could write a doctorate thesis on this. Machismo or male chauvinism is something that comes with living in Latin America. It’s a central focus of Iberian Culture studies and is pretty much inescapable in Latin culture. Men and women are expected to fulfill certain, dictated gender roles, discrimination between the sexes is rife and even the Spanish language itself is plagued with machismo. Let’s not even get into Machismo and male chauvinism on the gay scene! Now, that would mess with your head! It certainly has done that to mine!

9.    Punctuality: Like the Spanish, Colombians generally like to leave things to the last minute. Not only that but they will rarely turn up on time for anything; classes, dates, you name it…they WILL be late. Find a boyfriend or girlfriend who turns up for things on time…hang on to them! Also, try phoning your friend or partner who you are meeting to find out where they are, and they will probably lie to you saying they are about 3 minutes away (or ‘tres minutikos’) when really they are on the other side of town, stuck in rush hour and will be another hour and a half! Of course this does not stand true for every Colombian, but it is something which I have encountered on more than one occasion!

10.    Commitment: Again, this could be another dissertation topic, and one which fits perfectly hand in hand with machismo. La Fielidad – or ‘faithfulness’ is one of the bigger issues that has been a problem in many of the relationships me or my friends have had. It’s not fair to tar all Latinos with the same brush; however promiscuity is often a problem in relationships here.

11.    ‘Those three words’ or simply ‘te quiero’ in Spanish. I love you. Coming from the UK, we all dread having to either say those words or have them said to us. Obviously Colombians haven’t listened to Snow Patrol’s ‘Run’ when Gary Lightbody sang ‘those three words are said too much, they’re not enough.’ Don’t be surprised if a Colombian tells you they love you on the first date or a few days or weeks into the relationship. ‘Te quiero’ translates more as ‘I like you’ or ‘I want you’ … you got to really start worrying and calling you girlfriends when they start saying ‘te amo’ or ‘te extrano’! My advice…lap it all up, go with the flow and enjoy some of the more romantic aspects of Latino culture!!!

12.    Pigeons…they have no fear in this city. They fly at you, walk on the pavement in front of you and there is nothing you can do to get them out of your way!

13.    Streets in Bogotá seem to often sell one thing and one thing only. For example, calle 53. Calle 53 last month was dedicated solely to Christmas related goods. If you needed some tinsel, fairy lights, a tree…you name it, if it was something Christmas-y, you went to calle 53. There are streets dedicated to lighting and lamps, bicycles, toys, electronics, computers etc.!

14.    Flyers: It’s impossible to walk through the streets of Bogotá without receiving flyers. The Colombians love to flyer, and see it as their main means of advertising! Other than that, waiters and waitresses will stand simply outside their restaurant and shout at you ‘a la orden, a la orden’ or ‘at your service’ in a bid to try and get you to come into their business.

15.    Sausages wrapped in plastic: Don’t do what I did in my first month in Bogotá and not realise that you have to remove the plastic seal from the sausage before cooking/eating it!

16.    Lying: It has happened on more than one occasion where I have asked someone on the street for directions and instead of them simply telling me they do not know or to suggest asking somewhere else, they will simply just lie to you, making you walk round aimlessly in circles trying to find your destination. My advice, learn how to master the Calle/Carrera system early on, make Google maps your best friend and always go with your own instinct!

17.    Strikes/demonstrations: I know perhaps these are more common in my job at the National University than some other (usually private) institutions! Nonetheless, it’s never fun to be caught in the middle of a demonstration and have tear gas thrown at you as you try to escape your work!

18.    Browsing the shops: It’s impossible to simply browse shops in Bogotá. There have been many times all I have wanted to do is have a ‘wee look around the shops’ and it is simply impossible since shop assistants will follow you around letting you know they are at your service!

19.    Strata/class division: Colombian society is divided into various social classes according to their ‘estrato’ or how rich or poor someone might be. The result, an even larger rich-poor divide and classism if you ask me.

20.     Transmilenio ‘etiquette’: Yes, I have kept the best to last. Where to even start with the Transmilenio, Bogotá’s primary means of transportation. For one, buses are not frequent enough, they are cramped and the people who use the system display a complete lack of respect for personal space. Rush hour on the Transmilenio WILL make you want to kill yourself. Be prepared for having people stare at you, stand on you, push and shove you. People will try and get on before you can get off, hold on to your valuables (or just don’t take them out of the house!) and try and take yourself to a happier place in your mind and enjoy the long, painful journey to your destination…usually work!

So...that's in rough, the top 20 things I like and dislike about life in Colombia! Having said all of the above...Colombia, ya te quiero!