What Men Want

We’ve all seen or hopefully heard of the film ‘What women want’ in which Mel Gibson , an American, chauvinistic executive wakes up one morning with the ability to read women’s minds, something that men have dreamt of, probably since the stone age.

There’s no denying that despite perhaps the poor directing and bad acting at times, ‘What women want’ was successful in highlighting some of the differences between men and women in the society in which we live. 

Nonetheless, I can’t help but think about how it would be if the shoe was on the other foot…If a film was made about what men want. I’m sure if the movie was made, it would be a best seller.
 

As a foreigner living in Colombia, not a day goes by where I desire to know exactly what men want in this crazy city, and I’m sure I speak for every foreigner in Bogotá when I say that I have no idea.

There is no denying that Colombian men are beautiful. Period. If you’re a sucker for olive-tanned skin, smouldering eyes, toned bodies, dark features and a sexy Spanish accent to accompany all of that…then Colombia is the place for you. 

There is one drawback however and it’s a pretty big one. The men in Colombia are considerably harder to understand than the Europeans! If I had a pound for every minute I have spent trying to figure out what Colombian gay men want, I would be a millionaire by now! Unfortunately I am still living off a measly British Council FLA salary and single...having lost pretty much all faith in Colombians. 

The first problem that I encountered with the men here in Bogotá was... and still continues to be the superficiality. No one seems to get it, not even the Colombians, who seem to forgive or pass off the situation as being ‘boba’ or ‘complicada’. 

The bad thing is that Colombians both strive for personal physical perfection and expect the same of everyone else. Maintaining the perfect height, weight, job, social status and education are all of extreme importance to the Colombians. Miss out on one of them, and bam! – They’re not interested. 

Even via internet dating or the popular yet shamefully sketchy websites such as manhunt or gaydar (dare I mention grindr?) men only want to know one thing – where they can find Mr. Right. 

Please, don’t get me wrong…I’m looking for him too, who isn’t? But starting a conversation with a stranger (who in Colombia will usually just be a naked toned torso) by asking someone their height, weight, role and demanding more photographs including sexual ones somehow just doesn’t seem like the right way to go about it...

It’s not even superficial, it’s superfluous ‘more than is wanted or is sufficient, or rendered unnecessary by superabundance’ 

Unless you tick all the proverbial superfluous boxes, no one wants to know anything about you, your hobbies, your family, your friends, your studies, your personal interests or life goals – even at times your very name. 

I’m not saying at all that people should lose faith and not settle for the best. Though perhaps we need to not lose sight of reality and come to terms with maybe the best guy or girl for us may not have a six pack or have studied at the best university. 

There is no denying that the consequences that come along in the wake of such a grim, social and cultural attitude to dating are just as upsetting…

There is firstly and fore mostly the ‘arma de doble fila’ or the ‘double-edged sword’ of low self-esteem and personal high expectations. Not only do you start to feel inferior about your own personal appearance, you raise your own standards…and quite considerably. 

You actually start to convince yourself that ‘beauty only goes skin-deep’ – or at least so in Colombia. I have been on dates before, enjoyed myself and the persons company but not followed it up simply because they weren’t as fit as my ex or what I believe I’m worth.

And this leads into the thing which annoys me the most. As foreigners on the dating scene, we start to embody everything we once despised about the superficiality of the Bogotano gay scene. I suppose it’s something to do with the ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’ philosophy, but can we really complain and then conform at the same time. 

In such a superficial, fake culture, can we really ever expect to find love and be truly happy in a country where no one seems to know what they want and we’re all looking for something we don’t really believe exists. 

So, never mind Mel Gibson…Hollywood likes to remind us of the difficulties of dating and falling in love, but even in Colombia with such a gift of knowing what men, or women want…it wouldn’t even make a difference. No one knows what anyone wants, not even themselves.  

You know you live in Bogotá when ...

1.       You complain about having to drink Aguardiente but still continue to do so and suffer the consequences most weekends

2.       The following morning, whilst nursing the mother of all hangovers, you take a Bonfiest with your breakfast and feel fully recovered … more or less

3.       You trade your traditional hangover breakfast of an Ulster Fry or English Breakfast for Caldo de costillas. 

4.       You actually enjoy cheese and hot chocolate.

5.       You say ‘Que pena’ to everything and in every situation possible, even when you don’t mean it

6.       You bitch about how Shakira no longer appears ‘Colombian’ but scream like a little princess when they play ‘hips don’t lie’ in Theatron on a Saturday night

7.       You get annoyed at the ‘gringos’ demanding English translations at the salsa night at la Villa

8.       You stare at other foreigners in the street and wonder why they are here and what they are doing

9.       Someone asks you when you are available and you respond with ‘ahorita’ ‘ahorita más tarde’ or ‘de pronto más tardecito, ya te llamo’ as a response because in reality you don’t know your working timetable for that week and know that realistically you are not going to get round to seeing that person 

10.   You can’t walk down a street without being stared at or making eyes at  people you don’t know, just because you tihnk they are cute

11.   On being asked directions by a stranger, even if you don’t know you where they want to go you say ‘por alli’ or ‘por alla’ and wave your hand in an inconspicuous manner, neither to the left or to the right

12.   You enjoy Colombian drinking games such as ‘presi’ and ‘asesino’ more-so than your beloved British/European equivalents

13.   You will insist on trying to use the words ‘chevere’ ‘bacano’ ‘chimba’ and ‘marica’ in most sentences but worry slightly if you are coming across as ‘nero’ to your Colombian friends

14.   You use emoticons in your daily face book chat conversations instead of typing what you really want to say. In Colombia, there is an emoticon for every situation

15.   You start to do the ‘peace sign’ in photos and upload them to your facebook

16.   You take photos of yourself with your iphone (at the gym, at home, infront of the mirror), Instagram the photo and give it a mundane title such as ‘ viernes’ or ‘en casa’

17.   You talk incessantly about the weather and get over excited if the temperature fluctuates by one or two degrees 

18.   Most weekends you try to make plans to leave for ‘tierra caliente’ but end up staying in the city, drinking copious amounts of rum and aguardiente

19.   You rant about how much you love Colombia to everyone and anyone but meet your English speaking Expat friends for coffee and engage on hourly long conversations about everything you despise about the country

20.   You make plans to make plans and arrange to rearrange dates

21.   You insist on phoning from minutos instead of topping up your phone and buying individual cigarettes instead of a packet

22.   You use the word ‘de pronto’ (perhaps – Quizá, tal vez) in most sentences, because no plan is ever concrete in Colombia

23.   Your spelling in Spanish is atrocious and you’re never quite sure if you spell that simple word you learnt years ago with a B or a V, or a C or an S. Therefore you tend not to actually write in Spanish but use emoticons to express everything you want to say

24.   You start to say ‘oye’ ‘mira’ and ‘o sea’ in most sentences

25.   You consider it a good thing that you have a huge backside and flaunt it with jeans that ‘levanta la cola’ as opposed to feel typically British and self-conscious 

26.   You can’t actually function at work unless you have drank about 3 coffees before hand

27.   You get overly excited about National and International football matches even though you don’t even really like football or sports in general

28.   You never get over the sheer size of the avocados in this country compared to those back home

29.   You use a blender for making soups, juices, smoothies and cocktails so much more so  than you would ever do so in the UK, simply because you are amazed and ridiculously excited by the cheapness of exotic fruits here

30.   You willingly engage in conversations about Colombian stereotyping and dissing anyone who isn’t a Rolo (Bogotano)

31.   You phone people instead of texting them

32.   You are not phased in the slightest that the army and police are everywhere, in fact it makes you feel safer

33.   You turn up for most things at least 10 minutes late, even work

34.   You compare the price of everything against the 25,000 peso entry to Theatron on a weekend night

35.   You know all the latest reggaeton hits but haven’t a clue what is going on in the top 40 back home in the UK

36.   You eat four types of carbohydrate in one meal and consider it to be ‘healthy’

37.   Arranging more than one date for the day is not considered cheating or promiscuous but a sensible option

38.   You chose to drink tinto over normal coffee even though it tastes like s**t

39.   You spend more time at the gym and all dance classes checking everyone out than actually exercising

40.   You start to embody all the things that who used to dislike about Colombians and worry about how people are going to perceive you when you go home. Hence, everyone considers staying and not returning home, at least not yet