You know you live in Bogotá when ...

1.       You complain about having to drink Aguardiente but still continue to do so and suffer the consequences most weekends

2.       The following morning, whilst nursing the mother of all hangovers, you take a Bonfiest with your breakfast and feel fully recovered … more or less

3.       You trade your traditional hangover breakfast of an Ulster Fry or English Breakfast for Caldo de costillas. 

4.       You actually enjoy cheese and hot chocolate.

5.       You say ‘Que pena’ to everything and in every situation possible, even when you don’t mean it

6.       You bitch about how Shakira no longer appears ‘Colombian’ but scream like a little princess when they play ‘hips don’t lie’ in Theatron on a Saturday night

7.       You get annoyed at the ‘gringos’ demanding English translations at the salsa night at la Villa

8.       You stare at other foreigners in the street and wonder why they are here and what they are doing

9.       Someone asks you when you are available and you respond with ‘ahorita’ ‘ahorita más tarde’ or ‘de pronto más tardecito, ya te llamo’ as a response because in reality you don’t know your working timetable for that week and know that realistically you are not going to get round to seeing that person 

10.   You can’t walk down a street without being stared at or making eyes at  people you don’t know, just because you tihnk they are cute

11.   On being asked directions by a stranger, even if you don’t know you where they want to go you say ‘por alli’ or ‘por alla’ and wave your hand in an inconspicuous manner, neither to the left or to the right

12.   You enjoy Colombian drinking games such as ‘presi’ and ‘asesino’ more-so than your beloved British/European equivalents

13.   You will insist on trying to use the words ‘chevere’ ‘bacano’ ‘chimba’ and ‘marica’ in most sentences but worry slightly if you are coming across as ‘nero’ to your Colombian friends

14.   You use emoticons in your daily face book chat conversations instead of typing what you really want to say. In Colombia, there is an emoticon for every situation

15.   You start to do the ‘peace sign’ in photos and upload them to your facebook

16.   You take photos of yourself with your iphone (at the gym, at home, infront of the mirror), Instagram the photo and give it a mundane title such as ‘ viernes’ or ‘en casa’

17.   You talk incessantly about the weather and get over excited if the temperature fluctuates by one or two degrees 

18.   Most weekends you try to make plans to leave for ‘tierra caliente’ but end up staying in the city, drinking copious amounts of rum and aguardiente

19.   You rant about how much you love Colombia to everyone and anyone but meet your English speaking Expat friends for coffee and engage on hourly long conversations about everything you despise about the country

20.   You make plans to make plans and arrange to rearrange dates

21.   You insist on phoning from minutos instead of topping up your phone and buying individual cigarettes instead of a packet

22.   You use the word ‘de pronto’ (perhaps – Quizá, tal vez) in most sentences, because no plan is ever concrete in Colombia

23.   Your spelling in Spanish is atrocious and you’re never quite sure if you spell that simple word you learnt years ago with a B or a V, or a C or an S. Therefore you tend not to actually write in Spanish but use emoticons to express everything you want to say

24.   You start to say ‘oye’ ‘mira’ and ‘o sea’ in most sentences

25.   You consider it a good thing that you have a huge backside and flaunt it with jeans that ‘levanta la cola’ as opposed to feel typically British and self-conscious 

26.   You can’t actually function at work unless you have drank about 3 coffees before hand

27.   You get overly excited about National and International football matches even though you don’t even really like football or sports in general

28.   You never get over the sheer size of the avocados in this country compared to those back home

29.   You use a blender for making soups, juices, smoothies and cocktails so much more so  than you would ever do so in the UK, simply because you are amazed and ridiculously excited by the cheapness of exotic fruits here

30.   You willingly engage in conversations about Colombian stereotyping and dissing anyone who isn’t a Rolo (Bogotano)

31.   You phone people instead of texting them

32.   You are not phased in the slightest that the army and police are everywhere, in fact it makes you feel safer

33.   You turn up for most things at least 10 minutes late, even work

34.   You compare the price of everything against the 25,000 peso entry to Theatron on a weekend night

35.   You know all the latest reggaeton hits but haven’t a clue what is going on in the top 40 back home in the UK

36.   You eat four types of carbohydrate in one meal and consider it to be ‘healthy’

37.   Arranging more than one date for the day is not considered cheating or promiscuous but a sensible option

38.   You chose to drink tinto over normal coffee even though it tastes like s**t

39.   You spend more time at the gym and all dance classes checking everyone out than actually exercising

40.   You start to embody all the things that who used to dislike about Colombians and worry about how people are going to perceive you when you go home. Hence, everyone considers staying and not returning home, at least not yet